When I think back about all those people I let down I feel a myriad of odd feelings. I feel guilty that I have not said goodbye. I feel sad that it is too late to say it now. I feel disappointed that cowardice took over and pushed me to flee the offensive atmosphere of these last summer days.
I used to hold you dear and dream that the world is ours and we can do everything, be everyone, reach the stars… We promised each other eternity together, we promised forever.
Now I know that forever does not exist. Not when one is as young as a new born fowl, with shaky legs and bright eyes, just learning to make first steps, testing the ground, falling down and getting up again. First love is like that isn’t it?
It’s a first taste of an amazing feeling that spreads through our hearts with warmth and messes with our heads so efficiently. It’s the first drunken feeling of emotion. It’s seeing the whole world mirrored in the eyes of a loved one. Love is like a drug that intoxicates in that sweet way that wants you to stay addicted. To feed on the feeling. To thrive with only love.
Love pushes you to your limit, elevates you higher and higher. That makes the fall so much more painful and so much more startling. You learn the hard way that you cannot live on love alone. That this fresh new feeling that you thought would last forever is like a water well on a desert. It will go dry someday. And there will be nothing, no monument to remember it, no trace to follow and find it. And the same song goes on and on , from ages we love and suffer. We get hurt. And yet we eagerly look for this feeling. We seek love.
Lessons in love are never learned. The teacher always changes and has new things to teach us. We think we get smarter with each passing feeling, each meaningful relationship. Do we really? Where is the Wiseman who will tell us what true love really is, how to fix a broken heart, how to love forever unchangeably, unconditionally, unceasingly.
We sacrifice our hearts when we love but we never keep the promises we make. To love forever the same way we loved in the first minutes when this new feeling was born. In those seconds that decided about our fate together. That electrifying feeling happens only once and the current goes weaker and weaker with every passing year. A promise that could never be kept, a sacrifice that will never be made.